The moment

“The moment you cry out to The Lord, your life will change”
I made myself go to a small group meeting with my pastor in Birmingham. At this point in this year I was feeling like a real phony and didn’t want to go. It’s been one of those rough spots. When you forget who you are and where you are going and why you are going there. While others simply and quickly make peace with themselves and for some reason you can’t and you feel like a fool. A real and true blue moron. I was sure walking in the pastor knows I’m a fool. The people around me probably know it. Heck with my work schedule there is no thing what they think when I walk in ” oh she is making her MONTHLY visit to church. Today the topic of the sermon was freedom… Independence Day is this week after all. Pastor Mike makes a visual as only he can… How when he gets to Heaven he hopes God will just take the top off the world so he can see the parts on the inside no one has seen. How he hopes God will let him walk in the bottom of the ocean- after all he will be in Heaven right so he could breathe down there! The things only God has seen…
He went on in his demonstration that even we as Christians get into places where we are not truly free. We pray and feel nothing, we go to the alter and say yes I’m sanctified but we know we aren’t … And then we leave. We leave because we can’t bear to wear the face saying that we are. We live in our own dungeons in our own chains that we are afraid to take off. There was already a sacrifice there was already freedom given to us, but we somehow think its too much… or too little for God to care for. He told a story about a man he knew who couldn’t stop drinking and whatever else he was doing. This man had one of those ” ok God if you are real” moments and was physically set free from his addictions. He related this story to be as anything else in our lives …God doesn’t differentiate the substance addictions from the anxiety ridden or despair burdened. We all want or need forgiveness – for something or from someone. Maybe even from ourselves.
I sat there knowing he was speaking the truth. I have accepted anxiety, fear and general self loathing for months now. I have made a moron of myself and became someone I never knew I could be. Deep remorse settled in me and turned to guilt … And the various ways I have tried to numb the pain hasn’t helped they just created symptoms in other areas of my life. CRYING?….someone make it stop!!! So drink something so you will sleep… Still no sleep. Spend…get a makeover…just make it stop. Just feel better…feel normal. Normal… Over sleep and come to work looking a wreck and further feel like a fool. Pray. God doesn’t care about this you are the one who messed up you have to fix it, take responsibility and stop “accepting” the depression. That’s what your psyche book for school says. By the way you are gonna make a crap counselor you fool, look at yourself you screwed your own life up, singlehanded in a matter of three months. What is WRONG with you??
I sat there thinking of the past few months and all the ways I had analyzed and strategized my life and I just got tired. “I’m tired”I thought … How did I get here? I’m a smart person – known for doing the right thing .. The best thing. The example … The older child. “I’m tired…and its ok…I’m screwed and its ok…thats what it takes sometimes for us to remember that we were never in control to begin with”. I cried and prayed on the back row at the end of the service and left as soon as it was over, but not before Pastor Mike invited me to small group tonight. I told him I would come but I was internally debating on whether I would make it or not.
I made it. I drove thirty minutes to a town I never have visited and watched a video on prayer. The testimony from a member of Brooklyn Tabernacle about a hairdresser who made thousands of dollars a day and lost his job on moral grounds ( drugs) and cut up all his documents and lived on the street, his sole reason for living was heroine and he nearly died. He went to an ER and had been hearing voices for months. In the middle of the voices that had plagued him he had a memory of another voice, one of a model who he worked with who told him ” the moment you cry out to God will change your life”. He did cry out, it may have been quietly but the voices stopped and his life changed. His heart changed and he went through rehab and gave his life to Christ. The voices never came back.
God makes no distinction between who he rescues… But He does wait for us to cry out. Sometimes I think it is harder for the ones who claim to be Christian to admit they need Him and to cry out. After all, we are the ones who know He has the world in His hands. It is hard because we already know that He sees everything – like the caverns in the earth that no one has seen. He sees what we are depending on other than Him to get by. He sees the longings and desires we have that we hide. He sees the depth of despair we are in when we are forgotten or hurt or ignored and we just want the pain to stop. He sees the way we proverbially duct tape our lives into place and smile and say that we are fine. In other words- no matter what chain it is… He already knows. I reached out for prayer tonight and it was an humbling thing to do. I didn’t give details there is not allot of need for it. Just knowing there are people who have your back in prayer. I realized that I don’t owe anyone the face I’ve been playing. I’m not doing great and it’s ok that it is known. God already knows. I’m not fooling Him so why try to fool anyone else?
Moral of the story … It’s time for a reset and restore. Nothing is impossible. Prayer changes things, it really does. The moment we cry out.
This has been a personal account from a Christian blogger.


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