Weather Musings

It’s hot

Like step outside once and your hair mats,

step outside twice and you are also taking two showers today hot

Like three layers of clothing as a work uniform is cruel punishment hot

It’s hot like it only gets down here

Where it isn’t the heat, but the sticking hovering and smothering humidity

The humidity that people north of here don’t even understand

The cut the air with a machete and watch it separate with your own eyes hot
Where you inhale on your cigarette and exhale and the smoke just stays right in front of your face because there is NO BREEZE

Your eyes sweat

No use in wearing make up because it looks like you have face planted some soot by the end of the day.

The kind of southern heat that writes fantastic country songs about “bare foot blue jean nights” and dancing on Chevy beds…except I live in Birmingham and nobody has time for that kind of nonsense,they just congregate on the back step and discuss the heat-then go to a pub.

It is that time of year I set my air conditioning unit to 80 and the fan to high and pray to God that Alabama Power will look over it…because it is too hot to breathe on my twelfth  floor. The time of year where I have to be cold and wearing as little as possible in order to be able to sleep. Yeah, it is that kind of hot.
The wishing you had a perfect shade, an ice cold water all day long and no work because work makes you mad kind of heat. The heat that make you feel lethargic when you are still, and like you might die if you move too fast. The kind of heat that makes you jump in that nasty lake that your northern friends make fun of. Hey we are gonna shower off chlorine if we get in a pool, so whats the difference? Showering off is showering off.

So mix a drink of honeysuckle vodka, real lemonade and name it “it’s too damn hot for this”. Yeah…welcome to the south, sorry gentleman but all the southern belles have wilted, come back around December.


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